NHL Network reporter to Teemu Selanne: So I suppose you're aware of all 600 goals you've scored.
No, dumbass, they were a complete surprise to him. In fact, they didn't tell him about it until after he scored the 600th one tonight so they wouldn't spoil the surprise party the other Ducks players had all planned for him. Oy vey.
Congrats, Teemu. Go drink your champagne.
(I'm contemplating making this a recurring theme, but 1) I don't want to be known as that crazy chick making fun of retired athletes and 2) it's too much like shooting fish in a barrel.)